Are you ready to have children?

Are You Ready for Children?
Are you considering having children? To determine whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we suggest you take this set of simple tests...

MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

Just thought I'd share this :)

How to Report a Burglary

Is it enough?

Let down your defences
Use no common sense
If you look you will see
that this world is a beautiful
accident, turbulent succulent
opulent permanent, no way
I wanna taste it
Don't wanna waste it away

Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I'd rather be anything but ordinary please.

Musik.

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question.And there you have it...

01 How does the world see me?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol (errr.... I chase cars, huh?)

02 Will I have a happy life?
Half Life - Oliver James (this sounds like I'm gonna die when I'm 40)

03 What do my friends really think of me?
Welcome to the Black Parade (BLACK PARADE? oh well, I love this song anyway :) )

04 Do people secretly lust after me?
How You Remind Me - Nickelback

05 How can you be happy?
All About Lovin' You - Bon Jovi (so... I get happy from loving people??)

06 What should I do with my life?
Time of My Life - Greenday

07 Why must life be so full of pain?
The World You Love - Jimmy Eat World

08 Will I ever have children?
Hidden Agenda - Craig David

09 Will I die happy?
Lovers and Friends - Lil Jon

10 What is some good advice for me?
U + Ur Hand - Pink (Err... what the....)

11 What is happiness?
Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

12 What's my favourite fetish?
Beautiful Soul - Jesse McCarthy

13 How will I be remembered?
Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol (THE SECOND TIME! I guess I must really like chasing cars)

14 What is your love life like?
But I Do Love You - Leanne Rimes

15 What's your life motto?
Time Of Your Life - Greenday

16 What do your parents think of you?
A Better Man - Robbie Williams (HAHAHAHHAHA... somewhat ironic)

17 What's your favourite hobby?
Out of Reach - Gabriellea

18 What does your best friend really think of you?
I'll Be There For You - Rembrandts (Wow ...)

19 What's the worst thing about you?
I'm So Into You - Tamia & Fabolous

20 Describe your mind.
Freak Out - Avril Lavigne

21 How will you die?
Don`t Change - INXS

22 How does your crush feel about you?
Unwanted - Avril Lavigne (awww... :( )

23 What is your wedding going to be like?
She's the One - Robbie Williams (AWWWWWW :D)

24 What about your honeymoon?
Broken - Seether

25 Describe the last day of your life.
Angel - Amanda Perez

26 Why does life suck?
Hey Man (Now You're Really Living) - The Eels

27 Why does life rule?
Too Lost in You - Sugababes

28 What will you be famous for?
You & Me - Lifehouse

29 What's the craziest thing you'll ever do?
Air Dry - Teddy Geiger

30 Will you achieve your goals?
Please Forgive Me -Richard Marx

31 What will your future job be like?
Missing - Evanescence

32 Your party life?
Crash World - Hills Duff

33 Overall, will you be happy?
Lovefool - The Cardigans

34 Or will you just deal with it?
Say It Right - Nelly

35 Will you ever find a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Smooth - Santana

C

It's harder than it looks!

Rules: Use the 1st letter of your name to answer each of the following...They MUST be real places, names, things...NOTHING made up! If you can't think of anything, skip it. Try to use different answers if the
person in front of you had the same 1st initial.
And remember - you CAN'T use your name for the boy/girl name question.

. Your Name: Clare
. Famous Artist/Band/Musician: Craig David
. 4 letter word: Cane
. Gifts/present: Crystal
. TV Show: Charmed
. Country: Canada
. Boy Name: Clarence
. Girl Name: Claire
. Occupation: Checkout chick
. Flower:
. Celebrity: Christina Aguilera
. Food: Chocolate
. Something found in a kitchen: Cheese
. Reason for Being Late: Cat ate my homework
. Cartoon Character: Casper the Friendly Ghost
. Something You Shout: CAN ANOT?

Anyway

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered;

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some true enemies;

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you;

Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight;

Build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous;

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow;

Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough;

Give the world the best you've got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis
it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

ps / anyone knows anything about kussmaul respiration ? let me know !

Are You Running on Adrenaline?

You Are Running on 69% Adrenaline

Your Adrenaline Level: Borderline Dangerous You're running around so fast, you don't realize how quickly life is passing you by. While you may be getting a lot done, you're on the go lifestyle is probably wearing you out.

Are You Running on Adrenaline?

So I guess this explains the chronic fatigue syndrome

THE GREATEST ADVICE -Rick Warren, the Purpose Driven Life

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough & know better.
Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate!

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr. Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr. Wrong because your
biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.
Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won, only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions & be the best of what you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and
dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.
Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.
You drive yourself to your destination.
No one completes you - except YOU.

It isn't true that life does not get easier with age.
It only gets more challenging.
Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU!

When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back.
Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give to
someone is your time.
Relationships take time and effort, and the best way to spell love is
T-I-M-E because the essence of love is not what we think or do or provide for others, but how much we give of ourselves

Survey

The very detailed Perfect guy survey
His Look:
Name::	Pronounceable (unlike that first year Dent guy with the name 'Pasteur')
Hair Colour::	Black, Blue, Red, what's in a colour?
Hair Style (long, short, bowl cut, cornrows, etc) ::	As long as he has hair I'm glad. :)
Eye colour::	I always had this thing for Green eyes
Age::	Older or the same age. NO ONE YOUNGER euurgggh >.<
Height::	Taller than me :P NO ONE SHORTER !
Size::	errr. not skinnier than me (that would be hard).
Body build::	Ummm, somewhat defined?
Ethnicity::	Asian, Malay, Malay-mixed, white, white mixed!
Glasses?:	Whatever
Piercings?:	Maybe ;) nothing too obvious. 1 ear stud would be cool.
Chest hair?:	NOoooOoOOoOoOoO
big ol booty? or no?:
label:	guys have... labels?
His Mind
in school?:	Yep ;) intellectual
what does he want be/do when he grows up?:	Anything - I like guys with ambition.
Can he speak another language, if yes what?:	Yes he can (I don`t care what)
Can he read music?:	Yeah
Can he read guitar tabs?:	Hell yeah!!
Can he play guitar?:	DEFINITELY :P and sing along to
piano?:	Errr... ok, either guitar or piano.
the drums?:	NooOoOOOo can you sing to the drums? nooo. unless he plays the drums AS WELL AS some other instrument
some other instrument?:	errrr see above
Can he write music?:	Hmmm. If it's good music yes. If it's ultimate emo sappy random shit, no :P (BTW i'm not talking about jay chou/teddy geiger emo, i'm talking about i want to kill myself emo)
Will he write songs about you?:	NO. that comes under sappy yucky pukey emo
Will he write poems about you?:	hahaa. errr. maybe.
Will he be artistic in some way?:	yep !
Will he "blind you with science?":	what, throw lithium in my eyes?
His Style
Party hopper or stay at home?:	Both :)
Straight A student of Drop out?:	Intellectual. What do you think?
Does he have a best friend?:	Yehhh durh (no, not his dog)
is it you?:	I ... don't know?
Is he straight or bi?:	Trii ;) HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH.
Religious? what type?:	Whatever.
Virgin? till marriage or till "the rite time"?:	As the guy? Hmmm....thats hard. I'll reserve judgement
Should he be able to bake or cook?:	*nods. Me cannot cook. He has to know how to cook!
Is it okay for him to have a lot of gal pals?:	Yeah whatever :P
Out-going or shy?::	Both
Should he watch chick-flicks?::	YESSSS like duh.
Would he be a smoker?::	NO. euuuwwwww. Me no like smokers.
drinking?::	The occasional drink . None of tihs gordon spewing up stuff.
cursing?:	I ... don`t like cursing much :(
does he play football(US)?:	Rugby? Yeah !! Have you seen people who play rugby? They have like hugggee muscles and are really hot *think of the ACS guys*
soccer?:	Yeah
baseball?:	errr... i don't know
basketball?:	Yeh.. it makes him taller!
rugby?:	Errrrr.... (refer to above)
golf?:	Hmmm.
does he drag race?:	Yeah why not?
does he have a "pimped up" ride?:	Er, no.
Can he surf?:	YES :P that would be hot
skateboard?:	Skateboard gives people nice abs so yes.
snowboard?:	Snow...err... do we have snow? No?
Would he have an accent?:	BRITISH ACCENTS yay !
Anything else?:
You and Him *last part!*
Does he kiss on the first date?::	Yeah ;)
Where does he take you?:	Anywhere
Does he pay?:	Anything
Would he lay under the stars with you and spout random philosophies?:	Er, on the first date? That would be ... freaky
Would he use endearments?:	Not on the first date
Would you hold hands?:	Ditto
Would you ever stay the nite at his place?:	Ditto
Would he give you flowers/candy or a big expensive gift.:	Depends on how long we know each other.
Would he walk you to your door at the end o the nite?:	Yes :) It`s only polite!
How would he propose?:	to quote tiff, on one knee. and he says "if you`ll say that you`ll marry me, i`ll make you the 2nd happiest person alive. "
Lastly, after you meet, get hitched, etc. What do u name your kids?:	Noooo idea :P
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Differences between men & women

LOL! Got this from an email!

When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
– Frederick Ryder

Women need a reason to have sex — men just need a place.
– Billy Crystal.

I love the lines the men use to get us into bed. "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I, a microwave?
– Beverly Mickins (American comedienne)

Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women? So that we may love you instead of laugh at you.
– Mrs. Patrick Campbell (English actress)

A woman's appetite is twice that of a man's; her sexual desire, four times; her intelligence, eight times.
– Sanskrit proverb

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
– Jerry Seinfeld

You know why God is a man? Because if God was a woman she would have made sperm taste like chocolate.
– Carrie Snow

Women still remember the first kiss after men have forgotten the last.
– Remy de Gourmant (French writer)

A man loses his sense of direction after four drinks; a woman loses hers after four kisses.
– H.L. Mencken (American writer, 1888-1956)

When women hold off from marrying men, we call it independence. When men hold off from marrying women, we call it fear of commitment.
– Warren Farrell (American Psychologist)

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.
– Lyndon B. Johnson

God made man before woman to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
– Anonymous